It's my birthday, I'll dry shampoo if I want to.
As I sit,
staring down the barrel of 25, I can't tell if I want to throw up or go to bed
early.
This year has
been one of the most eventful of my life, and yet sometimes it feels like the
least.
This time
last year, I was about to turn 24, and I had just taken a new position as a
political speech writer-- which is a pretty good job-- one I thought would be
my dream job.
Brian
and I got engaged this summer, which was super exciting (and still is)!!!
Those are
some pretty huge things! Once in a lifetime, you could say. (One would hope.)
On the other
hand, along with the new job came a 3 hour daily commute. With the "next
step" in our relationship so imminent, Brian and I have been trying to
"buckle down."We still have lots of fun together, but spontaneity
gets curbed a bit when the major purchase of your first house looms in the back
of your brain.
I can honestly say I've never felt so tired in
my entire life. I'm tired just writing this. Earlier this evening, after a day
of work and a nice "you're getting old gynecologist appointment" I
felt almost too tired to chew my health conscious dinner of fish and brown rice
with veggies. This year I've made countless resolutions. I've started drinking
green juice. I make conscious decisions about my fiber intake.
I feel old. I
wonder if 24 is the last birthday people get excited about. I'm halfway to 50!!
Probably a third of the way dead! (That's scary if you think about it....)
I'm not mad
or even sad about it. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I'm not having a pity
party. Actually, I'm going to have a birthday party with some of my favorite
people on Friday, and I'm very much looking forward to that! I just feel weird
and numb. I've always LOVED birthdays!!!! I used to be that kid who had the
hardest time falling asleep on my birthday eve. I used to make lists of what I
wanted for gifts and revel in every second of my special day. I still have
people who make me feel special and who will be lovely on my
"special" day, and for that I am thankful, but the
"hold-your-breath", drink champagne, throw confetti and save your
birthday balloons until they droop in your room excitement is just not there
anymore.
Maybe I'm nervous. Maybe I'm scared because I realize that the past year literally flew by so quickly I'm not even sure what happened or where the time went. Wasn't it just yesterday I was going out to Philly for my 21st birthday?!
I used to
judge people who said they didn't do birthdays. Maybe I still do. I didn't buy
it when anyone said that they didn't like people making a fuss over them once a
year. It's your birthday for goodness sake! You get to be a princess today!! I
considered them faux cynics.
Right now,
I'm too tired to be clever or witty or
to even have my thoughts straight, but I've got to get this down! It's the last
day of the 24th year of my life! I am grateful to have a job and to have people
who love me and to have breath in my lungs.
I am trying
to be grateful for all those awkward times when strangers confuse me for a high-schooler.
I will appreciate that in 10 years. I think.
Between work,
and wedding planning, and house hunting, I haven't had much time to do much
else that counts as productive. I'm reading and listening to audiobooks, but I
find myself choosing books that I've
already read. Perhaps that's my subconscious making sure I don't get to
invested in something I don't have the time or mental capacity for. If I've already read the book, it's still a
good book, and I'm still working my brain, but I don't find myself staying up
until 3AM because I just HAVE TO finish the next chapter ... or 5.
Side note: If
any of you are looking for a great fiction read-- Stieg Larsson it is! The Girl
with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, and The Girl Who Kicked
the Hornets' Nest are wonderfully written books that are a challenge that
reward diligence and perseverance. Plus,
the protagonist in these books is a girl who kicks ass like no other-- a
serious thriller with technological, psychological, and political themes
throughout, along with strong feminist undertones.
I have always
been a low maintenance kind of girl, but this year I feel like I could count of
one hand the number of times I put serious effort into doing my hair and
makeup. I have not touched my eyebrows in SIX MONTHS (That is not an
exaggeration-- in fact, I'm treating myself to a nice birthday threading)!!! Is
this because I'm tired and lazy or do I care less or have I come to terms with the person I am and
how I look, so that I no longer feel a need to make myself up on special occasions?
Am I crazy for even thinking about these things? Probably a little.
All I know is
that tomorrow is my birthday, and instead of washing my hair and preparing a
cute outfit, I just sprayed half a can of Klorane dry shampoo on my head and
threw on some sweatpants. This is who I have become.
I guess what I have to do is realize and
accept that my birthday is just going to be another Thursday. I won't feel any
different. In fact, I'll only actually be a day older, not a year. But I can
use it as another opportunity to set new goals for myself, including expanding
my work goals and ideas, finally getting serious about getting back into my old
jeans (Please--- No one use this line as an opportunity to try to sell me
something), and find a new hobby that makes me feel like my brain is still
working! I don't want to get duller with age. I need to stay curious and open
minded. I want to learn something new every day. My days are more numbered
today than they were yesterday. Who knows how many I'll really have. For now,
I'll continue to use an acne face wash in the morning and a wrinkle cream at
night during this transition phase. I am determined to get my excitement back--
about everything and anything!
25 is going
to feel old, but it's going to be a good year. I'm going to get married. I'm
going to move out of my mother's house (which is terrifying to be honest), and
I am going to get something done-- just not sure what yet. I might even shave my legs regularly, but
that's not likely.