Welcome to the Sh*t Show (Pardon my French.)

Yesterday I experienced my first colon cleanse, and let me tell you—it was not pretty.

I started the awful day off right—with a dentist appointment. Once my teeth were clean, I continued with my all clear liquid only diet.

I had organic chicken broth, lime green jello (any red or purple dye was off limits,) water, Gatorade, and diet ginger ale. All Day. And that was it. Who knew how hungry one could be??

I used the term “hangry” (angry because you’re hungry) quite a few times.

I tried to make the most of the day by getting some errands done in the morning. But I had to stop because everywhere I went smelled like McDonalds (which I don’t even like.)

Luckily, I have a very understanding boyfriend. He brought over butt paste and bought me a magazine.

Around 5:00 pm it was time to take the saline flush solution. 16 ounces of the most disgusting liquid I have ever tasted— like sea water mixed with bad cherry cough syrup and lots of aspartame. I chugged over the sink.

Then it happened.

I was in the bathroom for the next 3 hours. TMI? Probably, but I’m trying to prepare you in case it’s ever your turn. I literally read half of the 2^nd Harry Potter Book.

Between the long bathroom sessions and not eating all day, I passed out for an hour. When I woke up at 9:30 it was time for round 2. I didn’t get to sleep last night until around midnight, and I was starving like I have never been. You should know by now how much I love food.

This morning I woke up to grumbley tummy, took a shower, and headed to the outpatient surgery center. My appointment was at 10 am, and unlike myself, I got there 10 minutes early. Unfortunately, it was my lucky day and everything was delayed. I got taken back for blood pressure finally around 11am. By 11::45 I was getting into a backless hospital gown and getting a plastic IV tube shoved into my arm.

At noon I got some oxygen tubes up my nose, and got wheeled into the operating room. By the time I realized my anesthesia has been put into my IV I watched the walls move for a couple seconds, then passed out. I woke up 20 minutes later, had an apple juice, and waited for the Doctor to tell me that I was all clear—both literally and figuratively. Which is nice to hear, but also frustrating, because if problems aren’t solved, and endoscopy is next.

I’m not worried, though. Just inconvenienced. I didn’t have to work today, or yesterday, so that was nice. I’ve been watching the Oprah Winfrey Network all day being consistently served tea and toast by Brian. As soon as I got out of surgery, all I wanted to do was eat—the suggested a light meal first mean before I could eat whatever I wanted. I decided a soup from WaWa would be a good call. Stupid me, I gave into the delectable lobster bisque. Bad choice. Brian later confirmed this by saying, “you went with fish and dairy as your first choice?” Hah. Observant.

It’s after 5pm and I’m still not feeling too hot, but I have the rest of the weekend to relax and do nothing, except attend an ugly sweater Christmas party.

All I have left to say about this experience, now that I’ve considered it all, is this—Once you’ve had a colonoscopy, you will never use the term “hot sh*t” again. Not that I actually ever use that term, but when people use it they’ll say, “Oh, he/she thinks he/she’s hot sh*t.” No. No. No. No. No one would ever want to be that.